Time to start a re-evaluation

Do you ever feel like you've got something all kinds of figured out, but then something happens that totally blows holes into the theories you've spent years forming?  Well, whether you have or not, Internet, that is sort of where I am right now.  And I've got to say, it's more than a little unsettling.  

Bernardo is the first guy I was ever involved with:  not only that, he was also the first guy who ever really showed any interest in me.  Before him, I was always mostly invisible, especially to boys.  I had no idea what to expect or what to do, and he seemed pretty experienced, so I put my trust pretty much completely in him. Obviously, that was a stupid thing to do, because a couple of months later he was telling me over AOL Instant Messenger that he didn't want to "date" me anymore, and it was over.  I was kind of devastated.  You may have read the emo poetry I wrote after he ended it.

After some time had passed, I gained some perspective, and I realized that our entire relationship had been physical, anyway, and we never even went as far as I know he wanted it to go.  I thought for sure that was the reason he'd broken things off with me, and my confidence in that conclusion only got stronger as even more time passed and I realized that what few guys I somehow managed to attract were never interested for very long.  I decided that being a prudey little virgin wasn't going to stand in my way of keeping a guy around, so I went ahead and got that whole First Time thing out of the way.  

When even that didn't keep guys around, though, I started getting bitter and cynical, and kind of stopped giving a shit.  I developed all kinds of trust issues and enough insecurities for maybe three people, and I always sort of traced it all back to 'Nardo.  Like that entire messed up first experience with guys and romance and sexytimes set me on the path to becoming the insecure temp girl that I am today.  And I became resigned to this identity, and even though I never particularly liked the role, I've come to accept the reality that it is who I am, and to think I could ever do better is to set myself up for disappointment.

Fast forward a little to today...

Yeah, I don't have a title for this.

It should be getting easier, but it's not.  It's actually kind of getting harder because I know it should be getting easier.

Feeling okay, I mean.  Or at least pretending to feel okay.

It's been a rough semester.  I wanted to raise my GPA after what I did to it over the summer, but there's a good chance I've just made it worse.  I'm making a C right now in a subject I've only gotten straight A's in before.  I lost count of how many lectures I've skipped.  Everything is slipping again, and I feel like I should be able to stop it, but I can't bring myself to really try, because would I even be able to stop it?  Would it matter?  I don't know anymore.  I don't know if I ever knew.  I don't know if I care.  And thinking about it is just fucking overwhelming.  It's all too much pressure.  There are too many expectations to live up to.  Part of me keeps thinking about dropping out altogether and just getting a job so I don't have to think about it anymore, but the thought of dropping out, especially when I'm getting so close to graduating, also scares the shit out of me.  

Doesn't help that I think my body may have gotten too used to the Bupropion.  I might need to either ask about a higher dose or a supplemental or something.  It just feels not as effective now as it used to be, and on top of that, I've started gaining weight rather than losing it/keeping it off like I was for a while there.  And getting chubbier again just makes me more sad.  Call me shallow if you want, but it is what it is.  

Revelations

So I was at work a few days ago, and one of the ladies I work with asked me if I think our IT guy is into me.  This seemed to come out of nowhere, although I can be pretty oblivious when it comes to guys.  I'd had a couple of moments before where there was a flicker of suspicion, but I didn't (and don't) seriously think he's interested in me.  I also hope he's not, because I'm not interested in doing the whole dating/relationship thing again, and I try really hard at work to pretend to be a normal, well-adjusted, socially competent woman.  The last thing I need is for something like this to blow my cover and have work be awkward like everyplace else.

So I started wondering...does he think I flirt with him?  What if he thinks I've been giving him some kind of an opening?  I've been accused in the past of liking every guy I meet and of flirting with everyone, and I always just thought it was out of pettiness, but what if it's true?  The flirting part, that is.  Do I flirt with guys all the time and just not even realize it?

I was up all night last night thinking about this, and if it's true - if I do flirt with everyone - then that explains kind of a lot.  It's not good, but it gives me a new perspective to consider.  All those times I felt taken advantage of? Was I really being used if I was essentially the one to initiate the attention with flirting behavior?  Those men in bars and on the street and on campus - were they really being inappropriate if I was encouraging them by flirting, even if I didn't realize that's what I was doing?

All this time, I've felt like I was kind of a victim in those situations, and thought these men were all just being assholes, but do I have any right to feel that way?  Maybe I just felt uncomfortable because making them out to be the ones in the wrong is easier than just owning up to the fact that I'm basically just some kind of a slut, and all along I've just been getting treated the way I deserve.  

It makes more sense to me now, too, why guys don't want me around for very long.  Who wants to be with someone like this when they can easily do so much better?

I've kind of hated myself for a very long time already, but knowing all this just makes that feeling stronger.

I'm usually pretty okay at puzzles.

Okay, so I know that I do not ~need~ a man to be happy.  My happiness does not depend on whether or not I am in a relationship.  The fact of being alone again is not the reason I am depressed again.  Why is it whenever a girl gets really depressed after a breakup, people automatically assume it means she's co-dependent?

I'm not just depressed because I'm alone (again).  Yes, that is a factor - I'd be lying if I said it wasn't.  But like I said, I don't NEED a man in my life to be happy.  I don't NEED to be in a relationship to feel fulfilled.  It's just that I'm so damned lonely.  I've had a grand total of two relationships now that had long-term potential and then ended suddenly.  That's a grand total of two men - only two - that I have been with who treated me in a way that made me feel like I was worth being with.  I've had what feels like more than my fair share of meaningless pseudo-relationships.  I'm twenty-six and I just wanted the bullshit to be over.  I'm just ready to settle down with someone.