Time to start a re-evaluation

Do you ever feel like you've got something all kinds of figured out, but then something happens that totally blows holes into the theories you've spent years forming?  Well, whether you have or not, Internet, that is sort of where I am right now.  And I've got to say, it's more than a little unsettling.  

Bernardo is the first guy I was ever involved with:  not only that, he was also the first guy who ever really showed any interest in me.  Before him, I was always mostly invisible, especially to boys.  I had no idea what to expect or what to do, and he seemed pretty experienced, so I put my trust pretty much completely in him. Obviously, that was a stupid thing to do, because a couple of months later he was telling me over AOL Instant Messenger that he didn't want to "date" me anymore, and it was over.  I was kind of devastated.  You may have read the emo poetry I wrote after he ended it.

After some time had passed, I gained some perspective, and I realized that our entire relationship had been physical, anyway, and we never even went as far as I know he wanted it to go.  I thought for sure that was the reason he'd broken things off with me, and my confidence in that conclusion only got stronger as even more time passed and I realized that what few guys I somehow managed to attract were never interested for very long.  I decided that being a prudey little virgin wasn't going to stand in my way of keeping a guy around, so I went ahead and got that whole First Time thing out of the way.  

When even that didn't keep guys around, though, I started getting bitter and cynical, and kind of stopped giving a shit.  I developed all kinds of trust issues and enough insecurities for maybe three people, and I always sort of traced it all back to 'Nardo.  Like that entire messed up first experience with guys and romance and sexytimes set me on the path to becoming the insecure temp girl that I am today.  And I became resigned to this identity, and even though I never particularly liked the role, I've come to accept the reality that it is who I am, and to think I could ever do better is to set myself up for disappointment.

Fast forward a little to today...

Yeah, I don't have a title for this.

It should be getting easier, but it's not.  It's actually kind of getting harder because I know it should be getting easier.

Feeling okay, I mean.  Or at least pretending to feel okay.

It's been a rough semester.  I wanted to raise my GPA after what I did to it over the summer, but there's a good chance I've just made it worse.  I'm making a C right now in a subject I've only gotten straight A's in before.  I lost count of how many lectures I've skipped.  Everything is slipping again, and I feel like I should be able to stop it, but I can't bring myself to really try, because would I even be able to stop it?  Would it matter?  I don't know anymore.  I don't know if I ever knew.  I don't know if I care.  And thinking about it is just fucking overwhelming.  It's all too much pressure.  There are too many expectations to live up to.  Part of me keeps thinking about dropping out altogether and just getting a job so I don't have to think about it anymore, but the thought of dropping out, especially when I'm getting so close to graduating, also scares the shit out of me.  

Doesn't help that I think my body may have gotten too used to the Bupropion.  I might need to either ask about a higher dose or a supplemental or something.  It just feels not as effective now as it used to be, and on top of that, I've started gaining weight rather than losing it/keeping it off like I was for a while there.  And getting chubbier again just makes me more sad.  Call me shallow if you want, but it is what it is.  

Red Flags

They are not just for football games in grade school gym class, or for summer camp simulated war games.

You know the ones I'm talking about.  The little things about a person  you're involved with, or who you're maybe going to get involved with.  The little things that should be huge warnings ringing RED ALERT! RED ALERT! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!

Except if you're anything like me, you probably blow them off for a while, talking yourself out of being concerned about them, because you're semi-desperate to not be lonely anymore because half the people you graduated high school with are married or engaged to be married or are on their second kid already, and you're alone and have done nothing with your life.

Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, I have decided to share with you some of the Red Flags I have experienced.  Maybe yours are different.  Or maybe you've noticed some of these things in your own pseudoromance, and you should think about being concerned.

Meds

Want to know a good way to feel more fucked up than you probably are in reality?

Meds.  With every new prescription, I feel a little more like a failure inside.  I used to be wary about the idea of taking medication.  Would I still be myself if I took away all the quirks and the crazy by taking pills?  Well, four prescriptions later and I have the answer to that question:  I am just as boring and fucked in the head as ever I was.  

I don't get it

I really don't.

The spinster life is not as smooth-sailing as I expected it to be.  I thought it would be easy to avoid getting involved with anyone, since A) I have no interest in getting involved with anyone, and B) in my entire life I have known two men who have been genuinely interested in being with me, and even those instances are debatable, in retrospect.  

But apparently, now that I no longer want to be with anyone, the universe has decided this is the perfect time to start throwing guys at me?  What is the math on that?

First, there was that guy from one of my classes last semester.  I ended up dropping the class (though not because of him), and started walking a different way to my car after classes every other evening (yes, this one was because of him).  Maybe not the most mature way to handle the situation, but it was successful.  What can I say?  He asked for my number and wanted to make plans to meet for coffee or lunch or something, and I panicked.  And he has since faded away.

I thought that would be it.

Back

So, a lot has been going on.  As you know, Internet, I am in college; the end of the semester got very hectic, but it's over now.  Thank goodness.

In other news, Fionn has unfriended me on Facebook.  I knew that day would come eventually, but in the back of my mind, I there was always still a thread of hope that as long as there was some kind of tie together, then maybe someday he'd want to get in touch and give what we had together another try.  Now it's just clear to me that he really doesn't want anything to do with me at all, anymore.  He's so beyond over it (and over me) that he no longer wants me to be in any part of his life.  I know, I know...it's fucking Facebook.  But still.  When I saw that he had severed that connection, weak though it was, it was like all the pieces of my heart were breaking again.

And it feels as though my life as a spinster is now pretty much set in stone.  I've been keeping busy with reading and video games to distract myself from wallowing, but mixed in with all the sadness is a feeling of being resigned.  I'm resigned to the single life, and becoming more and more comfortable as a recluse.  That's probably not healthy, but I don't much care.

Anyway, I know I am pretty behind with the whole daily bible thing I wanted to try and keep up with.  So here... 36 Genesis: Esau's Descendants:  This is nothing more than a breakdown of all the many sons of Esau (Edom).  There are a whole hell of a lot of them, since if you recall, God keeps promising millions of kids to everyone.  37 Genesis: The Rulers of Edom is pretty much the same thing, except it's a breakdown of the chiefs of each clan or whatever coming from Esau/Edom.  There's someone in here named Beor, which I found amusing because I just finished re-reading The Hobbit not long ago, and there is a character in that book named Beorn, and he is a total badass.

Revelations

So I was at work a few days ago, and one of the ladies I work with asked me if I think our IT guy is into me.  This seemed to come out of nowhere, although I can be pretty oblivious when it comes to guys.  I'd had a couple of moments before where there was a flicker of suspicion, but I didn't (and don't) seriously think he's interested in me.  I also hope he's not, because I'm not interested in doing the whole dating/relationship thing again, and I try really hard at work to pretend to be a normal, well-adjusted, socially competent woman.  The last thing I need is for something like this to blow my cover and have work be awkward like everyplace else.

So I started wondering...does he think I flirt with him?  What if he thinks I've been giving him some kind of an opening?  I've been accused in the past of liking every guy I meet and of flirting with everyone, and I always just thought it was out of pettiness, but what if it's true?  The flirting part, that is.  Do I flirt with guys all the time and just not even realize it?

I was up all night last night thinking about this, and if it's true - if I do flirt with everyone - then that explains kind of a lot.  It's not good, but it gives me a new perspective to consider.  All those times I felt taken advantage of? Was I really being used if I was essentially the one to initiate the attention with flirting behavior?  Those men in bars and on the street and on campus - were they really being inappropriate if I was encouraging them by flirting, even if I didn't realize that's what I was doing?

All this time, I've felt like I was kind of a victim in those situations, and thought these men were all just being assholes, but do I have any right to feel that way?  Maybe I just felt uncomfortable because making them out to be the ones in the wrong is easier than just owning up to the fact that I'm basically just some kind of a slut, and all along I've just been getting treated the way I deserve.  

It makes more sense to me now, too, why guys don't want me around for very long.  Who wants to be with someone like this when they can easily do so much better?

I've kind of hated myself for a very long time already, but knowing all this just makes that feeling stronger.