Meds

Want to know a good way to feel more fucked up than you probably are in reality?

Meds.  With every new prescription, I feel a little more like a failure inside.  I used to be wary about the idea of taking medication.  Would I still be myself if I took away all the quirks and the crazy by taking pills?  Well, four prescriptions later and I have the answer to that question:  I am just as boring and fucked in the head as ever I was.  

What am I taking?  The newest addition to my growing personal pharmacy is Meloxicam, a rather effective anti-inflammatory.  This is the only drug I'm on that is for a medical issue.  I couldn't stand the discomfort and moments of brief, shooting pain from my injured coccyx.  Don't bother asking how I injured it, because I really have no idea.  I have some hypotheses, but nothing absolutely conclusive.  What can I say?  I'm a klutz.  Anyway, take just one of these little guys in the morning (with a ton of water and some breakfast), and this is no longer a worry for the rest of the day.  I don't even have to lift my butt up off the car seat when I drive over speed bumps anymore, which is good, because that gets you some major side-eye from people who notice it.

There was also the issue of my insomnia.  The doctor felt it was important I be able to get enough sleep, so first I ended up with some hydroxizine:  an antihistamine that doubles as a sleep aid and mild anxiety medication.  Two birds with one stone and all that.  Works well, but makes me groggy when I wake up, which is fine if I don't need to be up and about for anything in particular, but that's not so conducive to work or class schedules.  So I have a ton of those pills left that I can take as needed on weekends, but I am now using generic Ambien to get to sleep.  These suckers work better than a charm.  Don't take it, though, unless you plan on being sacked out very, very soon.  The pharmacist said that one of the more rare side effects is sleepwalking; that concerns me more than a little, but I don't think I've been doing this so probably it's okay, maybe.  I'm a loser living with my parents, and my mom is a light sleeper, so I think she'd have noticed it if I were sleepwalking in the middle of the night.

And then there is my new best friend, Bupropion.  I've heard people refer to anti-depressants as "happy pills," but that really isn't accurate.  They don't make me happy, just...well...anti-depressed.  I'm able to get out of bed in the morning and function throughout the day, basically.  They just trick you into thinking you're doing kind of okay.  I take two a day, and I realized just how big a difference they make when I missed one of my doses one day...I was back at square one, unable to get out of bed, unmotivated, and sobbing into my pillow.  When I can't cry anymore, I'm just numb and very aware of how empty I am.

But with My Friend Bupropion, I can make it through the day.  And bonus, one of the side effects is weight loss.  Since I've been on it, I've lost about 15lbs.  I actually can't really see a difference when I look at myself, but my clothes no longer fit well, I've had to buy new pants, and when I run into people I know, it's the first thing they comment on.  Internet, as you know, I have a real problem with my body.  This weight loss thing is definitely a big positive to being medicated that I had not anticipated.  Now if only I could get motivated to start exercising and to keep it up on the regular.

Though it probably helps the weight loss along that I haven't had alcohol in over a year.  After what happened and who I was when I was self-medicating with booze the last time I was really depressed, I didn't really want to risk slipping back into that again.  Now that I'm taking so many pills on the daily, I'm actually kind of afraid to drink again.  I guess realistically, a little bit here and there is probably fine, but I am not sure I want to push my luck with it.  I kind of don't care if I die, but I'm certainly not interested in killing myself.