So I was at work a few days ago, and one of the ladies I work with asked me if I think our IT guy is into me. This seemed to come out of nowhere, although I can be pretty oblivious when it comes to guys. I'd had a couple of moments before where there was a flicker of suspicion, but I didn't (and don't) seriously think he's interested in me. I also hope he's not, because I'm not interested in doing the whole dating/relationship thing again, and I try really hard at work to pretend to be a normal, well-adjusted, socially competent woman. The last thing I need is for something like this to blow my cover and have work be awkward like everyplace else.
So I started wondering...does he think I flirt with him? What if he thinks I've been giving him some kind of an opening? I've been accused in the past of liking every guy I meet and of flirting with everyone, and I always just thought it was out of pettiness, but what if it's true? The flirting part, that is. Do I flirt with guys all the time and just not even realize it?
I was up all night last night thinking about this, and if it's true - if I do flirt with everyone - then that explains kind of a lot. It's not good, but it gives me a new perspective to consider. All those times I felt taken advantage of? Was I really being used if I was essentially the one to initiate the attention with flirting behavior? Those men in bars and on the street and on campus - were they really being inappropriate if I was encouraging them by flirting, even if I didn't realize that's what I was doing?
All this time, I've felt like I was kind of a victim in those situations, and thought these men were all just being assholes, but do I have any right to feel that way? Maybe I just felt uncomfortable because making them out to be the ones in the wrong is easier than just owning up to the fact that I'm basically just some kind of a slut, and all along I've just been getting treated the way I deserve.
It makes more sense to me now, too, why guys don't want me around for very long. Who wants to be with someone like this when they can easily do so much better?
I've kind of hated myself for a very long time already, but knowing all this just makes that feeling stronger.
