Do you ever feel like you've got something all kinds of figured out, but then something happens that totally blows holes into the theories you've spent years forming? Well, whether you have or not, Internet, that is sort of where I am right now. And I've got to say, it's more than a little unsettling.
Bernardo is the first guy I was ever involved with: not only that, he was also the first guy who ever really showed any interest in me. Before him, I was always mostly invisible, especially to boys. I had no idea what to expect or what to do, and he seemed pretty experienced, so I put my trust pretty much completely in him. Obviously, that was a stupid thing to do, because a couple of months later he was telling me over AOL Instant Messenger that he didn't want to "date" me anymore, and it was over. I was kind of devastated. You may have read the emo poetry I wrote after he ended it.
After some time had passed, I gained some perspective, and I realized that our entire relationship had been physical, anyway, and we never even went as far as I know he wanted it to go. I thought for sure that was the reason he'd broken things off with me, and my confidence in that conclusion only got stronger as even more time passed and I realized that what few guys I somehow managed to attract were never interested for very long. I decided that being a prudey little virgin wasn't going to stand in my way of keeping a guy around, so I went ahead and got that whole First Time thing out of the way.
When even that didn't keep guys around, though, I started getting bitter and cynical, and kind of stopped giving a shit. I developed all kinds of trust issues and enough insecurities for maybe three people, and I always sort of traced it all back to 'Nardo. Like that entire messed up first experience with guys and romance and sexytimes set me on the path to becoming the insecure temp girl that I am today. And I became resigned to this identity, and even though I never particularly liked the role, I've come to accept the reality that it is who I am, and to think I could ever do better is to set myself up for disappointment.
Fast forward a little to today...
