It should be getting easier, but it's not. It's actually kind of getting harder because I know it should be getting easier.
Feeling okay, I mean. Or at least pretending to feel okay.
It's been a rough semester. I wanted to raise my GPA after what I did to it over the summer, but there's a good chance I've just made it worse. I'm making a C right now in a subject I've only gotten straight A's in before. I lost count of how many lectures I've skipped. Everything is slipping again, and I feel like I should be able to stop it, but I can't bring myself to really try, because would I even be able to stop it? Would it matter? I don't know anymore. I don't know if I ever knew. I don't know if I care. And thinking about it is just fucking overwhelming. It's all too much pressure. There are too many expectations to live up to. Part of me keeps thinking about dropping out altogether and just getting a job so I don't have to think about it anymore, but the thought of dropping out, especially when I'm getting so close to graduating, also scares the shit out of me.
Doesn't help that I think my body may have gotten too used to the Bupropion. I might need to either ask about a higher dose or a supplemental or something. It just feels not as effective now as it used to be, and on top of that, I've started gaining weight rather than losing it/keeping it off like I was for a while there. And getting chubbier again just makes me more sad. Call me shallow if you want, but it is what it is.
