The spinster life is not as smooth-sailing as I expected it to be. I thought it would be easy to avoid getting involved with anyone, since A) I have no interest in getting involved with anyone, and B) in my entire life I have known two men who have been genuinely interested in being with me, and even those instances are debatable, in retrospect.
But apparently, now that I no longer want to be with anyone, the universe has decided this is the perfect time to start throwing guys at me? What is the math on that?
First, there was that guy from one of my classes last semester. I ended up dropping the class (though not because of him), and started walking a different way to my car after classes every other evening (yes, this one was because of him). Maybe not the most mature way to handle the situation, but it was successful. What can I say? He asked for my number and wanted to make plans to meet for coffee or lunch or something, and I panicked. And he has since faded away.
I thought that would be it.
As usual, I thought wrong.
I posted a couple of months or so ago about how one of my coworkers thought a guy in the office was into me. There was good-natured teasing and I kept telling myself they were seeing something that was absolutely not there. The guy hangs out all the time in our area because he likes being around people instead of being off by himself, wherever it is he's supposed to be. We all have a good rapport, it's fun and lively and any time anything mentioning he and I would come up while he was not around, I would insist that they are delusional.
As it turns out, they were not. The guy sent me a friend request on Facebook, and I saw that he'd sent messages as well. After consulting with a couple of male friends, it became clear that the dude was really looking to be more than just friends. I stressed about it for a few days, getting more and more anxious, until I finally just came out and told him that I'm not interested in getting involved with anyone, and also that it's really not a great idea for people who work together to get involved with each other anyway.
I thought...okay, so things will maybe be awkward for some time, while he nurses his male ego a little, but then after a day or two, things could get back to normal. But I was wrong again. I tried to be friendly and said hi to him the next time I saw him, but he looked a little pissed and did not acknowledge me. Maybe he was having a bad day, yes? And perhaps that had nothing to do with me shooting him down, but there has been weird awkward tension ever since, and the other day he unfriended me from Facebook. If that doesn't shout "I am pouting because I didn't get what I want" then I don't know what does.
Really, though, I still feel a little guilty because I've always hated disappointing people. Saying "no" has never been easy for me because of that, even though I know that is kind of ridiculous and stupid. I imagine depression with medication that is not self-prescribed may have something to do with it being not as hard to say no as I thought it would be this time. Also, it's much easier to do over the internet than face-to-face (not that I approve of ending relationships online - but this was not a relationship, it was prevention).
Anyway, the point of that is that I hate this awkward tension at work now. I shouldn't have to give him any kind of further explanation, and I don't think what I said to him was too harsh (it wasn't, right?). I was honest without giving all the pathetic details. I don't want to give the details to him, because I think that would just make things more awkward somehow.
Maybe things will just go back to normal-ish eventually without me having to hand over some of my dignity to him in the form of an explanation. And maybe it's best that we not even try to be friends, I guess. In my experience, guys you friend-zone ALWAYS try to push their way across that line, like they think being friends is some kind of trial period and if they wait it out long enough they'll convince me to change my mind. And sometimes they get extremely pissed off when you continue to deny them. Regardless, they always end up not being your friend anymore when they realize they really aren't going to get what they want.
Besides, basically rage-quitting Facebook kind of gives the impression that if I were interested, and we did get together, he would probably end up being just like *Jordan was starting to be, and how *Vince was. And I have zero interest in putting myself through that all over again.
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