Do you ever feel like you've got something all kinds of figured out, but then something happens that totally blows holes into the theories you've spent years forming? Well, whether you have or not, Internet, that is sort of where I am right now. And I've got to say, it's more than a little unsettling.
Bernardo is the first guy I was ever involved with: not only that, he was also the first guy who ever really showed any interest in me. Before him, I was always mostly invisible, especially to boys. I had no idea what to expect or what to do, and he seemed pretty experienced, so I put my trust pretty much completely in him. Obviously, that was a stupid thing to do, because a couple of months later he was telling me over AOL Instant Messenger that he didn't want to "date" me anymore, and it was over. I was kind of devastated. You may have read the emo poetry I wrote after he ended it.
After some time had passed, I gained some perspective, and I realized that our entire relationship had been physical, anyway, and we never even went as far as I know he wanted it to go. I thought for sure that was the reason he'd broken things off with me, and my confidence in that conclusion only got stronger as even more time passed and I realized that what few guys I somehow managed to attract were never interested for very long. I decided that being a prudey little virgin wasn't going to stand in my way of keeping a guy around, so I went ahead and got that whole First Time thing out of the way.
When even that didn't keep guys around, though, I started getting bitter and cynical, and kind of stopped giving a shit. I developed all kinds of trust issues and enough insecurities for maybe three people, and I always sort of traced it all back to 'Nardo. Like that entire messed up first experience with guys and romance and sexytimes set me on the path to becoming the insecure temp girl that I am today. And I became resigned to this identity, and even though I never particularly liked the role, I've come to accept the reality that it is who I am, and to think I could ever do better is to set myself up for disappointment.
Fast forward a little to today...
Since Timmy's come back into town after his stint in the Service, I've been seeing a little more of the people I used to hang out with back in the day, and that includes Bernardo. I felt a little awkward about it at first, because I've become so used to being a social recluse and thinking that to men, I'm only really good for one thing. I wasn't sure if, when he started talking to me again, he was going to want what he didn't get from me back then. I really didn't know what to expect, even though I'd long since forgiven him for the way he'd hurt me. I mean, it'd been several years since I'd seen him, and a lot's happened with both of us. People change, he's probably matured maybe, yeah?
And color me surprised, but he really has. So the other night when I was enjoying a little Thirsty Thursday with some classmates to celebrate the end of the semester, I texted around and ended up going to hang out with him for a while after leaving my classmates. Maybe it was the blackberry wine loosening up the old filter, but the conversation turned at one point to The Past. And color me even more surprised to find out that I have been totally wrong all these years about why he ended things with me back then. Yeah, he was a younger man then, and getting laid was subsequently pretty high on his list of priorities, but it turns out he felt like I was a Good Girl and he was too much of a jerk for me to be with. He did not lose interest because I wouldn't put out for him.
So now I don't really know what to think. If I was wrong about him, have I been wrong about everyone else since then? A big part of me thinks probably not, and that even though I was wrong about him, maybe that just helped me turn into a realist sooner in life and I've actually saved myself a lot more heartache because of it. But a tiny part of me still wonders if maybe I've been too hard on myself and have been wrong about other guys who have come in and out of my life in a similar fashion.
I don't know. I guess what I'm starting to wonder is maybe I really wasn't 100% the problem after all when it comes to the whole dating/relationship thing.
Here's the thing to remember about relationships: Even if you think or can even prove that you were totally to blame for what went wrong in a relationship, that still only makes you 50% to blame. Whether young or mature, a relationship is still a 50/50 thing. That's why communication is key. So little assumptions made by both sides, coupled with a bit of doubt and a dash or two of insecurities don't dissolve the relationship from within.
ReplyDeleteAs for guys, we're weird. We have a bad habit of not knowing what we want until it's gone. And yes, while we sometimes want to be with someone that puts out, I can honestly tell you that experience has taught me that guys usually don't keep girls that give it up so quickly. Those type of women tend to lose their appeal rather fast. We always want what we can't have. So be elusive and hard-to-get and cater to his ego but don't ever doubt in your allure. You're beautiful, inside and out. Grasp and take hold of that fact and it will add to your appeal. Trust me. You'll see.